It’s Never Too Late

You weren’t permitted to visit in the hospital. You couldn’t hold your loved one’s hand in their final hours. You said good-bye to your partner, parent, sibling, child or friend via iPad. When their suffering was over, their body was placed in a refrigerated trailer behind the hospital. There was no funeral or memorial because no public gatherings were allowed.

This is the age of Covid 19. If this is your reality you share it with the families of 1.07 million people who have died since the beginning of the pandemic. You are not alone, but you may feel more alone than you ever have in your life.

If there is any good news in this scenario it’s this: It’s never too late to say a proper goodbye. Grief is a communal emotion. It is meant to be shared. We were never intended to grieve in solitude. We are creatures of community. Significant life events, both happy and sad, are things we want and need to share. We are also people of ritual. We need to mark and celebrate the big events of life and death.

If you were deprived of an opportunity to say a proper goodbye to your loved one, think about doing it now. Unresolved and unexpressed grief doesn’t go away. Time does not heal the wounds, it may blunt some of the pain but that’s all. In many ways grief is the companion of a lifetime when someone we love dies. That grief, however, is lessened when we have the opportunity to share it through a public gathering or ritual.

The cremation and burial may be long over, but that doesn’t negate the need for a gathering to honor your loved one and share your grief. There is no right way or wrong way to plan a memorial. There is your way, and that’s all that matters.

Invite a bunch of people, invite a few people or invite just the family. You choose who needs to be there for you.  Read some poetry, play some of your loved one’s favorite music. Eat their favorite food. You may or may not desire to have a clergy person present. Figure out how you want it led and who you want to do it. Remember, you are doing this for you and for your loved one, and maybe for others who are in need of an opportunity to say a proper goodbye. Have it at your house, a restaurant, their favorite club or gathering space. Plan an outing to the zoo, go to the beach. The options are endless. What matters is that it is right for you and for the people who will share the event with you.

Grief that remains unexpressed can cause depression and anxiety. It can manifest in stress- related health problems like hypertension and digestive issues. Unexpressed and unvalidated grief can impact sleep patterns and cause chronic exhaustion. Weight gain/loss and self- medicating with alcohol or drugs are often part of unresolved grief. Emotional and spiritual health are impacted when grieving is done alone. Grief can become complicated mourning when it remains unexpressed.

Complicated mourning is a term coined by bereavement therapist Therese Rando. In her book of the same title she writes at length about the causes and impact of complicated mourning. It can happen when death comes unexpectedly, tragically or traumatically, or when grief remains invisible. All of the usual sadness and emotion are present, but they are not blunted by time. There is a sense of being unmoored from all that is familiar. It is difficult to find any source of happiness or joy. The usual rituals and celebrations do not happen for a variety of reasons. Sometimes, even when a “traditional” service is celebrated there is a need for additional social and communal affirmation of loss.

The National Institute of Health states, “Complicated grief is a chronic impairing form of grief brought about by interference with the healing process. We use the term ‘complicated’ in the medical sense to refer to a superimposed process that alters grief and modifies its course for the worse. Think about a physical wound that produces an inflammatory response as part of the healing process. A wound complication, for example an infection, increases the inflammation and delays healing. You can think of bereavement as analogous to an injury and grief as analogous to the painful inflammatory response and complicated grief as analogous to a superimposed infection.”

Complicated grief and mourning often need psychotherapeutic intervention. It’s important to know when you need help. A small piece of mourning can be lessened, however, by having a public ritual that acknowledges your loss and celebrates the life of your loved one. It is not a replacement for professional help, but it can be one small piece of validating loss and grief.

If you are one of the millions of people who are wandering alone in the wilderness of grief, you can help yourself by knowing that it is never too late and you are not alone. Let the celebration of your loved one’s life be a way point in your healing process.

(If you know someone suffering from unvalidated grief, please share this blog as a way of encouraging their healing.)