Ghosting

Ghosting: (verb) the act of cutting off all communication without explanation. It can happen in any relationship and across all social platforms.

Ghosting is a relatively new term that describes what happens when one is abandoned by an individual or a group. It happens in dating relationships, where after two or three dates one person suddenly stops returning phone calls, texts or emails. Ghosting happens in friendships when one person cuts off all communication without a word of explanation. Ghosting is an action on the part of one party that can leave the other party hurt and bewildered.

Ghosting also happens in organizations. My focus here is the church because it is the one I know best (though after a lifetime of church participation and ministry there is still much about the church that is a mystery). Ghosting happens in a variety of circumstances and for a variety of reasons. For example:

• People who ask questions that make church members or leaders uncomfortable. In this instance the person is shunned and frozen out of the fellowship. Their efforts to participate are received with the clear message they are no longer welcome.
• People who have a change in life circumstances. People stop coming to church for all kinds of reasons, e.g. changing health or being pissed off at someone for some reason. When someone suddenly stops coming to church, being ghosted by the community adds insult to injury. It’s like becoming invisible.
• People who don’t dress right or smell right. They don’t fit the image the church has of itself. Therefore, these individuals are not welcomed; no one talks to them at coffee hour, invites them to participate in church activities or calls them during the week. They are ghosted while they are showing up.
• People who are in grief. It’s hard for many to come to church when they are grieving. People are uncomfortable coming to church and crying. Being away during acute grief can turn into permanent lack of participation, especially when they are ghosted by the community.
• People who are getting divorced. In most instances divorce means the church will side with one party and the other one is ghosted. This happened to me during my divorce. After twenty years of membership, I received no phone calls, no cards, no visits, no “hey how are you doing?” In the few instances I went to church I never knew who would talk to me and who wouldn’t. I was totally ghosted by the community I served, supported and loved. In the space of five years, I ended a marriage that was not good for me, lost my home, lost my health, had to leave a job and a career I loved and lost my mother. Complete silence. Not a single, solitary word. It remains one of the most painful times in my life.

The apostle Paul wrote to the church in Galatia (chapter 4, selected verses) about what it means to be a community:

“I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord beg you to lead a life worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, making every effort to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one spirit, just as you were called to the one hope of your calling, one Lord, one faith, one baptism.…”

The church calls us to a new reality that is beyond ourselves, our petty grievances, misunderstandings and wardrobe failures. The church is great at ghosting people who are hurt, pissed off, grieving, going through life upheavals or just don’t fit in. When people are ghosted they are left alone in their sadness, anger and pain. In addition, the community is deprived of the unique skills and gifts that person brings to the life of the church.  

We are called to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. This translates to practical, caring outreach and a willingness to listen, even when it makes us uncomfortable. It means we receive information from those who would otherwise be ghosted and hear what they have to say. It’s not rocket science; it’s simple compassion, grace, and embodying what it means to be the body of Christ.