Say Something

My friend Kathy (Physical Therapist extraordinaire) posted this on Facebook not long ago. I asked her if I could share it in a blog. I do so with her permission and blessing. Thank you, Kathy.

“This just happened. I was making a work-related phone call, and the woman I talked to is the mom of someone that a mutual acquaintance told me recently had lost a son to drug overdose. So, here I was unexpectedly talking to his grandmother. And I said something about it, with due apologies that I hoped I wasn’t intruding, but that I’d heard the terrible news about their heartbreaking loss, and that I grieved for them. And she thanked me for bringing it up because, she said, most people are afraid to say anything and that makes you feel even more alone with your sorrow. And I said, yes I knew exactly how that felt. And she said, if I felt inclined, to send them a card, because cards really helped, too. And I said I would. And she said again she was so glad I mentioned it, even though we were now both sniffling on the phone. And then we chuckled at that and wished each other well.

Say something. Just say you are sorry to hear a person’s awful news. You don’t have to fix anything. Just acknowledge it. Saying nothing makes people feel invisible. Which is worse.”

Wise words from a wise woman.

When unspeakable loss happens in the life of another, we are afraid to upset them. We worry that we will somehow make things worse by bringing it to mind. Trust me; it is already in their every waking moment. The best thing we can do is mention it. Kathy is right; we don’t have to fix anything. There is nothing to fix. A simple, heartfelt expression of sympathy is enough.

Such tender words validate loss and let people know they are not alone. Grief is often a very lonely experience. We can make it less so by sharing a few words of care.

In the instance of drug overdose there is also a stigma. Families feel shame and embarrassment when a loved one dies of an overdose. It often exposes, for the first time, that their loved one had a substance abuse problem. This creates a double whammy. Chances are good that there is someone in our circle of friends who has a loved one who struggles with substance abuse. It is true in my family. It means we live with the constant fear that we will get “the phone call” about a deadly overdose.  It means we feel helpless to do anything that will make a difference. It means we feel isolated and alone with this truth and this worry.

With any other illness or malady there is empathy and ease of talking about it. There is no stigma to cancer (unless it is lung cancer, then we secretly rag on people for smoking). We express our care and concern for those who are ill and undergoing treatment. It is okay to talk about it with people in our circle of friends and family.

Drug addiction, overdose and death are a different story. It’s time to break the stigma. This is far too big an issue to remain under the rug of some stupid idea of social propriety. Deaths from drug overdose are the unspoken epidemic of our time. “Provisional data from the CDC’s National Center for Health Statistics indicate that there were an estimated 100,306 drug overdose deaths in the United States during 12-month period ending in April 2021, an increase of 28.5% from the 78,056 deaths during the same period the year before. (CDC.gov). These numbers are likely much higher due to underreporting.

The best thing we can do is say something. Loss needs validation. Sadness is made for sharing, if only for a brief moment on the telephone. Grief shared is grief made easier to bear. Say something. Whether it brings tears, laughter or some of both, it is one of the kindest things we can do.

So, suck it up people. Put on your grown up pants and take a risk for the sake of someone you care about. It may seem counter-intuitive to bring it up, but trust me words of comfort and care are the most important words we can utter on any given day.