Finding a New Normal; The Only Way Out is Through

This pandemic is getting old. Actually, it’s been old for a while. And it shows no sign of letting up any time soon. Angst, worry and uncertainty are the stock of this time. These are all expressions of grief.

The loss of normalcy is a source of grief. Everywhere we turn we are reminded that these are strange times and we are far from what normal looked like before March. When life is normal we can delude ourselves into thinking we are in control. We are permitted no such delusion in these days. Wearing a mask, not being able to gather with family and friends, working from home (if we have a job at all) are stark reminders that life is profoundly different–and not in a good way.

Part of the loss of normalcy is the uncertainty of it all. It’s unclear how long this is going to last. We don’t know when we will be able to live life without angst about getting ill or making someone we love ill.  It’s hard not to worry about an unknown future.

Grief in this pandemic asks the question, “how much more normal are we going to lose?” Not having an answer is hard.

Another part of grief is the loss of feeling safe in the world. It’s dangerous to go out and be with people. It’s dangerous to go shopping. It’s dangerous to be in groups. It’s dangerous to gather with our family. Thanksgiving is potentially lethal, and there’s no way we can make that okay.

Pandemic grief is a constant emotional whiplash. It is understandable why depression and anxiety rates are skyrocketing across age groups and other demographics.

While we may be on the fence about gathering for Thanksgiving, consider a few things. It is one day, twenty-four hours just like any other day. It is a Thursday; there are 52 of them every year. It is the fourth Thursday; there are 12 of them every year. The day, however, is imbued with such emotional baggage it’s hard to remember it’s just another day. Thanksgiving is the quintessential God, mom and apple pie holiday. Historically there is more travel on Thanksgiving than any other day of the year. It’s possible the loss of this day is a flash point for other losses related to the pandemic. If it seems your reaction to all this is a little out of whack, consider what part of it has to do with Thanksgiving and what part has to do with pandemic weariness and grief.

What’s important to remember is that feelings are neither right nor wrong; they simply are. You may be feeling anger, sadness, uncertainty or just some amorphous blob in the pit of your stomach that has no name. When it comes to feelings, the only way out is through.

Sit with your feelings; take time to feel them and name them. Validate your losses, fears, anxieties and sadness.  Remember that so far your track record at getting through difficult times is 100%. When you feel like you are coming unglued, remember you are stronger than you think and more resilient than your know. Think about what has helped you through hard times in the past. How can these things be helpful to you now? Remember that even if you are a weepy mess, you are fine just as you are and you are going to be fine going forward.

Remember that sheltering in place does not mean isolating in place. Reach out. Learn how to use FaceTime or Zoom so you can “see” your family and friends. Remember the telephone; it doesn’t transmit the virus even if you sneeze.

Work at creating a new normal in this COVID bubble of weirdness. Establish some kind of routine. Include the things you love to do and balance them with the stuff you have to do. Take up a new hobby. Read a book, learn to knit, organize a closet, or weed through clothes you haven’t worn since Ford was president. The options are endless. Allow some time each day to check in with yourself and see how you’re feeling. Don’t beat yourself up, just feel. Allow those feelings to be expressed in your body. If you are feeing angry or frustrated beat a pillow or go outside and scream. If you are feeling sad, allow yourself a good cry. If you are feeling uncertain, do something that brings stability in the midst of all that feels like shifting sand. Balance doing something productive with quiet time for reflection. Consider starting a pandemic journal where you write your thoughts and feelings from day to day. Focus on the small things you can do to control something in the moment. Sometimes deciding if you want milk or juice with a meal can give a little foothold in the shifting sand.

Limit how much news you watch. Enough said.

Don’t “should” on yourself. Some days you will not be able to get out of your own way. It’s okay to binge-watch Netflix and zone out. If you are feeling deeply depressed, consider reaching out to a therapist or your doctor. Telehealth and teletherapy appointments are pretty common these days.

 Remember that grief is at least one part love. Loving the life we live and the circle within which we live is about loving life. Missing the complex and wonderful life we share with others is missing what and whom we love. Be gentle with yourself.