Be Reconciled to One Another

Reconciliation is one of those five dollar theological words that often seems like a mash-up between some skewed understanding of forgiveness and a win/lose that requires the “loser” to finally agree the other party is right. Then a few coats of varnish are slapped on to make it all look pretty and life goes on much as before; nothing changes.

In one form or another, reconciliation is a central concept in most of the world’s great religions. It is called by various names. Reconciliation is the language of the Judeo Christian tradition with which I am most familiar.

Let’s begin with what reconciliation is NOT. It is not a free pass for the wrong one party does to another. It is not a forgiveness freebie where one party agrees to “forgive,” often through clenched teeth and tight jaws. It is not leaving the status quo in place and going on as if nothing happened. Reconciliation is not forgive and forget (that is Shakespeare, not the Bible).

Reconciliation requires far more of us than cheap talk. The goal is a restoration of relationship in which both parties feel heard and a mutual agreement about how to move into the future is constructed. It asks that we be more concerned about the relationship than about being right. It asks us to move forward with mutual compassion and care. Reconciliation asks us to have enough humility to trust that something new is possible.  Reconciliation asks us to remember and honor the past and each other while seeking a common truth and a shared story that allows moving forward.

Differences are the not the problem. The problem is that we stop listening to each other. Layers of anger, hurt, feeling diminished and judged are piled on until the original issue is obscured and the ability to communicate is destroyed. In truth, differences can be a source of richness to our relationships, adding different perspectives and different views. Unity among people is never meant to be sameness.

The goal of reconciliation is healed relationship. There are multiple kinds of reconciliation: interpersonal, among groups, among regions/territories or countries, with creation and with the Divine (however one understands the Divine). Reconciliation takes a step toward Shalom, which means far more than the absence of war. Shalom is about deep well-being for people and creation. It is rooted in love, respect and compassion.

Reconciliation begins when one is ready to “lose oneself” and take ownership of the division and the reality of the pain it causes.  It is inherently risky, fully intentional and it takes time. It requires stepping across invisible lines of division in the hope of realizing a glimpse of the Holy One’s dream for all of creation. Reconciliation doesn’t ask who is right or wrong; it asks what is possible when honesty and desire come together for the sake of a shared future.

There are four steps to the reconciliation process, and it is a process not an event. These four steps are linear, but they are not a cookbook recipe to follow that guarantees an outcome.

The first step in the reconciliation process is some awareness that the relationship is broken. One individual or group reaches out to the individual or group with whom the relationship is broken. Both parties agree to show up for the process.

 Second, there must be a willingness to listen at a deep level, scraping away all the inflammatory rhetoric and hyperbolic language to create a different energy that allows understanding and empathy. Empathy does not require one’s cognitive assent to how the problem is stated. Running it through the brain to decide if it is a worthy position does not lead to reconciliation. Empathy is a response of the soul. It asks for genuine compassion toward a pain or hurt one may not understand.  

Third, there must be sufficient preparation on both parts. A commitment to respectful listening, making “I” statements, and moving away from blame are firm commitments each party can make ahead of time to ground the process. Each party needs to decide what they are prepared to do to be reconciled. There can be no persuasion or coercion in true reconciliation. Boundaries and limits must be respected.  

Finally, there must be a frank discussion of what actions are necessary (on both sides) for change going forward. Then the work of living into the new relationship begins.

It is painfully clear that a host of relationships are broken in our world, our country, our communities and our families. There is much talk about healing and surely healing is needed.  True healing is predicated on reconciliation. There is a temptation to rush toward some form of “healing” that is much like the mash-up on reconciliation referenced earlier. It doesn’t work and it adds another layer onto an already broken relationship. Let’s start the work of reconciliation with a vision of what it might look like and a willingness to listen deeply and lovingly to one another.