How Do You Get Into This Place?

Via the door is the logical answer. But when it comes to church, going in the door is not the same as getting in. Anyone can walk through the door of a church. After that, they have the daunting task of finding a way into the community. And it isn’t always easy, especially if you are an introvert.

It’s hard to walk up to someone you don’t know and introduce yourself. It’s even harder when a dozen people descend on you like flies on a hot apple pie. You may hear the unfortunate phrase, “You are sitting in my seat.” The congregation stands and sits at odd times. Everyone seems to know a couple of the ditties they sing–“Praise God From Whom All Blessings Flow” and “Glory Be to the Father”– but there are no page numbers and no words. When they say the Lord’s Prayer, you say trespasses and they say debts. You don’t know when you are supposed to do what. And then, when worship is over there is this awful thing called “Coffee Hour” where people talk to each other, but because you don’t know anyone you stand there all by yourself sipping really bad coffee and looking for the nearest exit.

And we wonder why people never come back.

But that’s not even the worst of the problem. People show up to church because they are looking for something. In my experience very few people show up to church the first time because their lives are going swimmingly. They come because they are in crisis (and not just a spiritual one) or more often, because they are lonely. People often come to church because they are looking for a place where they can belong.  According to the Roots of Loneliness Project, “52% of Americans report feeling lonely, while 47% report their relationships with others are not meaningful. Only 59% of Americans say they have a best friend.”

Often when they come to church, they find there is no way “in.” And if that is the case, chances are good they will not come back through time. If they join, they will become inactive within six to nine months. Studies have shown again and again that new member retention depends on opportunities to connect with small groups of people for study, fellowship, mission opportunity and more.

In the “olden days” when I was growing up, the Ladies Aid Society was the group that bound the women together. They were the backbone of the church. These women’s groups are shriveling on the vine as their members grow older and newer women are not interested in the format or content of the group. Bible study was always an option and lots of people got to know each other through the six to eight week sessions that ran throughout the year. The choir was a pretty tight group, meeting once a week for rehearsal and singing together on Sunday morning. Church clean up days in the spring and fall provided another opportunity for people to get to know each other. Pot Luck suppers and opportunities to eat were always popular, too.

Times, however, have changed. The church has been slow to follow.  In many churches getting someone on a board or committee is considered getting a new member to be active. I think it’s dumb. A person joins an organization, has no idea how it works, gets put on a committee and is expected to make decisions and participate in processes they know nothing about. Has anyone really thought this through as a membership retention strategy?

The point is that people are yearning for community. The cure for loneliness is connection. People don’t need more jobs or tasks of content. They need more connection. The two churches with which I have relationship have such opportunities to be together. My home church has a monthly meal that is not only a fundraiser for the church, but provides opportunity for people to come together as a team. They also have a weekly bible study. The other church I connect with that is closer to my home just started a free community meal. Inviting people from the community afforded us opportunity to meet people who live in the same neighborhood as the church. It also gave me an opportunity to meet and work with people I did not know. It was a blast!

Churches that provide invitation and opportunity for people to participate in small groups help to quell the epidemic of loneliness that plagues our society. How is your church, synagogue or mosque doing at providing opportunities for people to be together? My guess is there is room for improvement. Leave a comment and let me know your experience with groups in your church. If you don’t have a church or religious community, leave a comment on what would encourage you to participate.