It is said that one is a tragedy, a million is a statistic. Not so. In the course of this seemingly never ending pandemic there are 850,000 tragedies. This is an unspeakable loss for tens of thousands of people who have said goodbye to their loved ones via iPad or phone call. Many have not been able to have a gathering to mark the passing of their loved ones. There are over 160,000 children who have lost a parent or primary care giver to this pandemic.
What this means is there is an epidemic of grief. It is invisible, just under the surface and largely silent. This grief is shaping a generation of people and bearing down on thousands of children. This creates an environment for complicated mourning (more about that next week).
And no one is talking about it.
Grief that is not tended inevitably shows up in increased health problems like hypertension, depression and anxiety, substance abuse, suicidal ideation and sleep disturbance. Over the long term these conditions can contribute to heart disease and impaired immune function. One cannot experience the death of a loved one, have that death remain invisible because of a pandemic, and go on living life normally. With 850,000 deaths and counting, almost everyone knows someone whose life is impacted by loss. And keep in mind that this number does not include the usual statistics of death from heart disease, cancer and other diseases that claim tens of thousands of lives each year. Many of these deaths have also not been honored because of the pandemic.
The pandemic has robbed families of the usual rituals that people use to cope when a loved one has died. When someone dies people often come to the house and bring food. There is conversation about the one who has died. There is laughter and tears and lots of story-telling. It is a crucial part of the grieving process. Funerals, memorial services and other life cycle rituals are important. For people of faith the funeral or memorial is a vehicle for commending their loved one to the Holy. Such rituals make the death real in a visceral way, especially if the family was unable to be with their loved one at the time of death. If loved ones are denied the funeral or memorial, there is another layer of grief and trauma added. In the absence of life-cycle rituals shared by the community, there is an added layer of isolation–not being able to receive support and know others share their loss.
The pandemic has isolated hundreds of thousands of people and left them to grieve alone. It is impossible to estimate the long term crisis this creates because we have never been in this place. What we do know, however, is that grief needs to be validated and shared.
Wouldn’t it be great if, when it is safe, communities organized outdoor candle lighting vigils in memory of those who died from Covid? It is a concrete expression of solidarity and care for those who have suffered terrible losses in solitude. Candles piercing the dark night that so many have faced alone is an expression of hope for better days. Better days come when grief is tended to and expressed.
What you can do is organize a community memorial for friends and neighbors who have lost loved ones to Covid. Be the prime mover in your community. Pick a date in the Spring and begin enlisting help. Discover what bereavement resources are available. Ask local funeral homes what resources they offer. Talk to community hospice programs about their grief resources. Find counsellors and therapists who might be willing to lead a group. Have a resource table with flyers and brochures. Help diminish the stigma of seeking mental health help. Enlist volunteers to make flyers and help spread the word. Ask community clergy to participate. Include all clergy, not just Christian clergy. Make it clear it is an interfaith service and all are welcome.
I believe that such events are of crucial importance to those who have grieved in isolation and need their losses validated. Further, this presents an opportunity for communities to come together around a shared experience that is not partisan or divisive. It shows compassion and manifests our shared humanity.
Shared humanness and compassion are two of the qualities that can change the world. Organize a vigil in your town and change your corner of the world.
The Irreverent Reverend 