Intimate Partner Violence, the Silent Epidemic

It’s not the kind of phone call you ever think is going to come to you, at least I didn’t.  The conversation went something like this.  “I have bad news…she’s dead…we’re not sure what happened…it’s under investigation…they think her husband did it.  I knew there were problems but I never thought it would come to this.  She went to a shelter just the other day…but she came back…her bags were still packed…she was going to leave him.  I can’t believe she’s dead.”

The numbing news of her death rocked our household.  Yes, I know domestic violence happens, yes it has come close to my life at least professionally but never in such an up close and personal way. 

The story unfolded as the days went on.  The marriage was troubled, they never liked him. They don’t know if they can prove he was involved.  The funeral was delayed because of the autopsy; it will take weeks before they know definitively just what happened.  But the family knows in their heart of hearts.  And that’s what makes it so hard.  They wonder why they didn’t do more, how they could have done more.  And they struggle with what they believe about evil and about God’s will.

Violence in relationships is the unmentionable sin.  Many of us suspect that someone we know and care about is in a troubled relationship.  Perhaps it is an acquaintance from work, a friend from church, a neighbor or someone in the family.  But we don’t want to interfere.  Most of us were taught that the family is a private place and we should mind our own business. It’s one rule we should break if we suspect someone is being battered.

A woman is less safe in her own home than she is on most of the streets in the United States.  On average, twenty people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner. During one year, this equates to more than 10 million women (and men). Remembering that much domestic violence goes unreported, the numbers are staggering.

• One in four women and one in nine men experience severe intimate partner physical violence; this includes violent sexual contact, stalking, beating, slapping, shoving, controlling behavior, control of finances and a range of other violent behaviors.
• While the statistics are harder to gather, there is also evidence of intimate partner violence in same sex relationships.
• The presence of a gun in a domestic violence situation increases the risk of homicide by 500 percent. Nineteen percent of domestic violence involves a weapon.
• One in five children are exposed to intimate partner violence ach year and 90 percent of these children are eyewitnesses to this violence.
• One in five women and one in seventy-one men have been raped in their lifetime. Almost half of victims were raped by an acquaintance. Of these, forty-five percent of women and twenty-nine percent of men were raped by an intimate partner.

Domestic violence is everyone’s business. When we, as a society, as neighbors and citizens eliminate our tolerance for abusive behavior and hold batterers accountable, we will see the staggering statistics diminish. The question to be asked is not, “Why didn’t she leave?” but rather “What were the barriers to her leaving?”

Often women have economic barriers to leaving because their partners tightly control the finances. Other times, not having a place to go (especially when there are children) is a barrier.  Domestic violence shelters exist in most areas and are the safest place for a woman to go when she leaves an abusive relationship. Leaving the relationship is the most dangerous time for a woman.  Family members and friends can be put in danger if they provide shelter.

It’s important to state that it is never God’s will that anyone be battered by her (or his) intimate partner. It is not God’s will that an intimate partner control anyone.  Husbands, boyfriends and other intimate partners do not have the “right” to subjugate their partners to get their own way. 

Intimate relationships between husbands and wives and partners are covenanted relationships.  A covenant is an agreement that people make before God.  It is entered into willingly and equally. And it does not include the right of one partner to control the other.  The marriage liturgy of my tradition, the United Church of Christ, asks this question, “Will you live together in the covenant of marriage?”  The language of “love, honor and obey” was never a part of the liturgy and in most traditions, if it was, it has long since been removed.  Marriage and covenanted relationships between partners are sacred relationships that exist for the benefit and strengthening of each partner.  It is never God’s will for anyone to be exploited, battered or abused.

The scripture that is often quoted, “Wives be subject to your husbands,” is mis-interpreted and taken out of context.  The whole text reads, “Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives be subject to your husbands, husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church.” (Ephesians 5: 22-25) It’s worth reading all of chapter 5 to see the larger context in which these few verses reside. It reinforces that intimate partner relationships are covenanted relationships.   

If you or someone you know is in an abusive, controlling or manipulating relationship, help is available.  Visit ncadv.org-resources or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.  Don’t wait for your phone to ring….

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